I don’t think I can start this post without saying a heartfelt thank you to everyone that has contacted me since sharing my blog. I was so touched and felt such a sense of community around me. I was a bit overwhelmed and so incredibly grateful and I love you all.
I came across this beautiful quote by Pema Chodron the other day.
Sometimes I read quotes and they barely make me flinch. Then two days later I’ll stumble across the same quote and BAM my life has changed forever! Well for the next 10 minutes anyway.
When I read this I almost felt that I was off the hook for staying in a situation that was so challenging for so long. I am now at a point where I can put down the stick because I just hadn’t learnt what I needed to know! What I needed to know about myself before my marriage was to end. Hey, I’ll take that… 😉
Over the past week I’ve been quietly observing a noticeable shift occurring. It almost seemed to be happening without any doing of my own, just gently happening in the background. God, I’m tearing up as a write this.
Im realising that this feeling, this overwhelming but liberating feeling is me leaving behind a part of me that I no longer need to carry. A part of me that I no longer need to be burdened with because I have finally learnt. I’m feeling stronger. Lighter. Happier.
And possibly the feeling that I’m noticing the most. Relief.
Relief that this was the right decision. I was never going to know if what I was doing was right, and to now be seeing a new world full of happiness and new beginnings unfolding in front of me. I can’t quite put it into words.
Leading up to the separation and then when my daughter and I moved out, one of my biggest fears was that I would always feel empty and God forbid, unhappy or even regretful of our decision.
For the rest of my life. Pretty. bloody. scary.
No amount of googling will I regret getting a divorce? tell me if what we were doing was right. No amount of quizzes would tell me that what we were doing was right. Yes there are quizzes for this stuff online – I bypassed these!
Nothing was going to jump out and leave me feeling totally certain that this was what needed to happen.
I had no idea what was ahead of me. All I was going off was the intense feeling that the life we were living together needed to end.
To be sitting here today knowing that what happened last year was the right decision, is possibly one of the best feelings of my life.
It is so much easier to be open and embrace most of what you know is good for you when the basis of your life is true to what you really want. It’s so much easier to want your ex husband to be happy and find peace within themselves when you are actively trying to make a good life for yourself too! Not to mention that we seem to be learning that word respect again! Makes co-parenting so much easier. This week anyway….
Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t have to be as drastic as a marriage separation. I have friends, parents and grandparents who are in the most beautiful and strong marriages all around me. I know they exist!
It could be as simple and thinking to yourself, what do I really want now? Do I really want this whole block of chocolate? Or do I just need some love from a friend? (and 2 pieces instead).
Do I really want to do this workout or do I just need a nap instead? The answer might be yes. But the key is, you’ve stopped to ask yourself. You’ve paused for a moment, instead of launching into the next thing without even taking a breath.
It’s the small practices that you imbed into each and every day that make up your days, your weeks, your months and maybe even your years if you stick at it! And then, who knows, a life that you can look back on and think, yeah I chose this and I am bloody (one more for good measure) proud of that.
Remember, you are basically a good person and you do deserve it.