Nothing Goes Away Until It Teaches Us What We Need To Know

I don’t think I can start this post without saying a heartfelt thank you to everyone that has contacted me since sharing my blog.  I was so touched and felt such a sense of community around me.  I was a bit overwhelmed and so incredibly grateful and I love you all.

I came across this beautiful quote by Pema Chodron the other day.

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Sometimes I read quotes and they barely make me flinch. Then two days later I’ll stumble across the same quote and BAM my life has changed forever! Well for the next 10 minutes anyway.

When I read this I almost felt that I was off the hook for staying in a situation that was so challenging for so long.  I am now at a point where I can put down the stick because I just hadn’t learnt what I needed to know!  What I needed to know about myself before my marriage was to end.  Hey, I’ll take that… 😉

Over the past week I’ve been quietly observing a noticeable shift occurring.  It almost seemed to be happening without any doing of my own, just gently happening in the background.  God, I’m tearing up as a write this.

Im realising that this feeling, this overwhelming but liberating feeling is me leaving behind a part of me that I no longer need to carry.  A part of me that I no longer need to be burdened with because I have finally learnt.  I’m feeling stronger.  Lighter.  Happier.

And possibly the feeling that I’m noticing the most.  Relief.

Relief that this was the right decision.  I was never going to know if what I was doing was right, and to now be seeing a new world full of happiness and new beginnings unfolding in front of me.  I can’t quite put it into words.

Leading up to the separation and then when my daughter and I moved out, one of my biggest fears was that I would always feel empty and God forbid, unhappy or even regretful of our decision.

For the rest of my life.  Pretty. bloody. scary.

No amount of googling will I regret getting a divorce? tell me if what we were doing was right.  No amount of quizzes would tell me that what we were doing was right.  Yes there are quizzes for this stuff online – I bypassed these!

Nothing was going to jump out and leave me feeling totally certain that this was what needed to happen.

I had no idea what was ahead of me.  All I was going off was the intense feeling that the life we were living together needed to end.

To be sitting here today knowing that what happened last year was the right decision, is possibly one of the best feelings of my life.

It is so much easier to be open and embrace most of what you know is good for you when the basis of your life is true to what you really want.  It’s so much easier to want your ex husband to be happy and find peace within themselves when you are actively trying to make a good life for yourself too! Not to mention that we seem to be learning that word respect again!  Makes co-parenting so much easier.  This week anyway….

Now don’t get me wrong,  this doesn’t have to be as drastic as a marriage separation.  I have friends, parents and grandparents who are in the most beautiful and strong marriages all around me.  I know they exist!

It could be as simple and thinking to yourself, what do I really want now?  Do I really want this whole block of chocolate?  Or do I just need some love from a friend? (and 2 pieces instead).

Do I really want to do this workout or do I just need a nap instead?  The answer might be yes.  But the key is, you’ve stopped to ask yourself.  You’ve paused for a moment, instead of  launching into the next thing without even taking a breath.

It’s the small practices that you imbed into each and every day that make up your days, your weeks, your months and maybe even your years if you stick at it!  And then, who knows, a life that you can look back on and think, yeah I chose this and I am bloody (one more for good measure) proud of that.

Remember, you are basically a good person and you do deserve it.

Jen xo

 

 

 

Life As We Know It

Until I became a Mum back in September of 2014, I never fully appreciated how good it felt to get things done!  Not only that, but to get things done when it was convenient to ME.  It’s been a pretty big adjustment and I’ve had to loosen the reigns a bit when it came to routine.  I still have a routine and couldn’t live any other way, however it’s when this routine turns to shit for all the reasons routines do with kids, that I had to learn to be adaptable!

So that’s why today, when my shift got cancelled at work due to a delayed flight,  that a part of me, actually every part of me got really excited to have a whole day to myself without any other agenda but my own!  After dropping Miss Z at daycare, and recovering from the tears that she goes through at every drop off, I walked through the front door and thought right…… BED, COME AT ME!

Through sheer determination, I pushed through the pull towards my freshly made bed, because I knew I would be so annoyed if I slept the day away.

Instead, I thought to myself, what is one of my favourite things to do?

TO ORGANISE AND TO CLEAN.  I know there are others out there…. totally normal! 😉

So like a duck to water I had my daughters’ room looking fresh and beautiful in no time, as well as the toy corner, not so conveniently located in the lounge room, right near the entry to the house.  Sucked up some spiders with the Dyson, moved on some pre loved toys, moved some furniture around, and voila, I felt like the most together person that ever did live.

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Fake it till you make it, right?

It has been a pretty big week this week.  I started a new job – still in aviation but on the ground this time,  Miss Z increased her days at daycare from 1 to 2 and I started realising that when my bestie told me she starts cooking dinner at 9 am……she wasn’t kidding!  I’m finding my feet, and I know it’s going to be a great thing for Zoe and me, like always I just need more sleep.

Already since starting my new job, I have remembered what it was like to be really passionate about what you do.  I am so grateful for being able to get back into the aviation industry.  It never leaves your blood and it has helped to take my focus away from areas that it doesn’t require it!  I’m really hoping that one day in the near future co parenting becomes easier.  Optimism my friends, my word for 2016  .

A friend of mine bought me a gorgeous book this week.

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It is small, straight to the point and full of dot points which I love.  It is packed with gentle ideas and suggestions to simplify your life!

I came across a page on how to be grounded.  Considering its the title of my blog, and a word that has always resonated with me, I was pretty interested to know how the Author, Kate James described such a word.  She described it in a way that I had always imagined it to be in my head.

Thank God, otherwise my blog title may have needed a revamp!

Being grounded means, basically, being connected to what’s real, as opposed to spinning out over what’s happening in your head.  It’s about bringing your awareness back to your body so that you can be more emotionally and physically present. 

She goes on to describe ways in which you can feel grounded in difficult situations.  Feeling the grass directly under your feet and imagining the earth’s natural energy coming up through the soles of your feet.  This strong connection with the earth can immediately take you back to the present moment.

I get this.

With this in mind, I have a weekend ahead of me with my gorgeous little bff, a birthday party with friends, sunny blue skies and a weekend full of more opportunities to make good decisions.  Starting with an early night tonight!

Jen xo

 

 

 

 

Divorce: What I’ve learnt so far

So here I am, another non Miss Z weekend is drawing to an end, and I’m sitting on the couch eating weetbix for dinner! Only the best for this Mumma, don’t you worry.

I couldn’t quite find the wine to match such a dinner, so iced water it is!

As some of you might know, since separating I’ve found a new love.

Yoga.

It’s the only relationship I’m ready for at the moment – about as costly as a relationship with an actual person, but worth every cent.

I did a 2 hour detox class on Saturday morning and boy oh boy did that open some trapped emotions!

I got home from the class and  after some much needed time with my gorgeous girlfriends I got stuck into some writing.

BIG things were uncovered.

24 hours later and I’m still amazed by everything that has come out of this class.  It’s been pretty confronting but I can hear the words turning point being softly spoken in the back of my mind. Not sure if im ready to admit it yet, but something special happened on the mat yesterday.

A part of me feels scared to even write about it.  I still feel fragile at times and doubt myself every day.  Not necessarily about the decision to end our marriage, but my ability to be strong and happy without my ex.

I feel as though I’m standing in the middle of a see-saw.  One small step back and I’m back to what I still partly see as comfort.  I know it is anything but comfort, but it’s the only family dynamic I’ve known in my adult life.

One small step forward, and the see-saw edges further towards freedom. A life where I have peace about my past, where the knot in my stomach continues to loosen its grip, where I am ok when my ex moves on and where there is a life full of self acceptance and love.

In previous breakups with my ex husband, we have never got past this stage.  The false idea of comfort and love would get the better of us and we go back to each other, causing more damage in the process.

I’m stronger this time.  I can feel it and the people around me can see it.

Something shifted in this class yesterday.  May’ve been all the shoulder stands and the loud wide open mouthed exhales we had to do!

Just to stick with the see saw analogy, I actually believe I’ve stepped forward enough for the see-saw to ever so slightly tip.

A tip towards a new way of life and away from the hurt of my marriage, and man it feels good.  I think some call this progress.

So here is what I’ve learnt over the past 24 hours in an extremely condensed version;

  • My heart was further along on this journey than my mind. My heart knew where it wanted to be, my mind however, hadn’t got the memo.  It wasn’t letting go.  I was holding onto the past and all the anger as a security blanket.                   As my yoga teacher would say, my mind was constipated.
  • To let go of the anger and the past, ultimately meant I had to face the next phase of this journey.  Subconsciously I was putting this off.  I didn’t know if I was ready to see if I could get through this separation.  If I was ready to see if there was healing in my future.
  • Someone can hurt you so much but still represent  stability, reliance, companionship and security. After 5 years, this isn’t something than can be turned off easily.  At least I now know that I need to look within for the security, the love and the resilience.
  • You are the Captain of your soul and we actually do have a say in our future. To a point anyway.  I do have the strength to make those hard decisions and to voice them to my ex, to ensure I stay true to what I really want.
  • That I’m allowed to feel alone at times.  I’m realising that I can be the strength that I saw in my ex husband. On my own! 
  • Everyone deserves to be happy.  I need to start believing that I am included in this.  At some point I need to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I’ve made.  The life sentence can go and get stuffed.  I think once I truly believe this, things will get easier!
  • And finally, possibly the biggest step towards freedom…. The belief that when my ex husband does move on, and love someone else, I am still;

-Worthy of love (from myself included),

-I am enough, and;

-Capable of so much happiness.

With a huge chunk of the anger gone, and with some more understanding of healing as a process, I’m starting to build up my self trust.  Trust in myself and trust in my future.  No more stories that my pain in the backside mind conjures up – that this is punishment for making the same mistake 3 times over and that I need to do my time feeling hurt and sad.

No more!

I’m finally ready to start believing that this journey really might have a happy ending.

Jen xx

 

 

2016 in 3 words

I was sitting on the couch today at my Grandparents house, with my Grandma beside me, both watching Miss Z parading in front of us.  She was walking around in circles and then backwards (her latest trick), snuggling and patting her precious (very ugly) dolly, babbling, singing, dancing and basically anything else that seemed fit at the time.

She saw some pillows resting on an arm chair and decided she wanted to pull them off the chair and onto the floor.  We sat and watched her struggle as she couldn’t quite get there.  They were heavy and it was all a bit awkward but she was getting so close.  Just one more BIG pull was all she needed to do.

As a 15 month old, she obviously couldn’t see the progress she was making or how close she was and eventually stomped off in a huff.  My Grandma and I were sitting there saying ‘you are so so close, just one more pull and they will be down, KEEP GOING’.

She had given up and that was that.

I thought to myself, wow, if only she knew how close she was and how far she’d come.  She would’ve literally been only seconds away from marvelling at her own accomplishments.  Instead she gave up too soon and was left feeling defeated.

Now because of the girl I am, and possibly because I am looking for anything to help spur me on through these days post separation, my brain started ticking.    To think how often we may have been so close to achieving something, only to quit because we thought it was impossible or too hard.

It is all too easy to question the progress you are making when you can’t physically see it.  It makes it doubly hard when you have NO idea how far you’ve got to go, like 99.9 % of the time!

You can talk yourself out of anything if you let yourself.  Sometimes you can actually convince yourself that it is easier to give up.

You may have been one more step away from making that break at work;

One more step away from finally cutting yourself off from your ex in a way that meant your FREEDOM;

One more step away from the workout that makes you love exercise again;

And only one more message away from your ex actually listening to your pleas at leaving you alone.  Messages that test every part of your being, when all you want is a big hug telling you that everything will be ok.

Giving up crosses my mind often and the concept of just being miserable forever almost seems inviting in a f%^*ed up way!

But seeing my little girl trying so hard today, to then just give up so easily, so close to succeeding, has lit that flame within me again.  By no means is it burning enough to give off any heat, but still enough to keep me getting out of bed each morning and remaining optimistic.  Optimistic about my future as a single mum, about my future with any relationships and the future as me!

Although I can’t see the progress and sometimes I actually feel I am going backwards, the wonderful thing is that I could be so close!  Close to start feeling the rewards of walking away from a marriage that was slowly soul destroying….   The hardest thing I hope I’ll ever have to face in this lifetime.

Some may call this clutching at straws!  Some may even call it simply being hopeful and yes, I’m with you on both there.  I’m liking the word optimism because it leaves everything open!

Instead of looking forward into 2016 and making resolutions and putting any big plans in place, I’d like to just add two more words to my ‘word’ of the year (currently freedom thanks to our home made Christmas bon bons)…..

And add optimism and perseverance!  I’m sure there are no rules for having 3 words for the year?!

I will try my very best at remaining optimistic that I will gain a sense of freedom and space in my mind for new wonderful things, through sheer perseverance!

Jen xx