Separation. Twelve months on…

IMG_2686

I remember Christmas last year.  I had been separated maybe 10 weeks.  I was in Canberra with Zoe, and in a very different head space.  I was insecure, scared, vulnerable, embarrassed and had no idea what I was doing.  I was ultimatly getting by, one moment at a time.  I remember thinking to myself, I wonder what Christmas 2016 will be like.  Twelve months seemed an eternity away.  I wondered would I have a partner?  Would I be managing working and the emotions of letting Zoe go every fortnight?  Would I be further away from my ED mindset, or would it have a complete  hold of me?  Would I feel regretful and miserable because I’d made a huge mistake?

Here we are, nearly 12 months post separation and less than four months until Christmas 2016!  Insane. I instantly tear up at the thought of it coming up to 12 months ago that I moved out.  I had nothing but that gut feeling telling me that what I was doing was right.  I hoped with all that I had that this was the path for me, but like most things, there is no certainty!   It was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, which I think is why I feel a bit emotional about it.  To now reflect and feel like I have room within to finally get to know that side of me that I knew was there… waiting to be connected with for so long, I am extremely grateful.  The universe gives pretty blatantly obvious signs sometimes – you’ve just got to be open to see them.

Im sitting here writing from a beautiful apartment I’ve booked in Melbourne.  The weather is sunny, there is no agenda, and it has given Zoe and I some quality time together.  These days I’m learning it’s about quality and not quantity for the two of us.  I’d had a tough few days leading up to taking this break.  I felt a strong pull to get away and find some fun that was lacking.  Sometimes a break puts things into perspective.  I am so grateful that it was the right pay week and that I was able to make this happen.  Having this time to reflect on the weekend has shown me what I can take from those shitty events, what I will leave behind and maybe what the universe is trying to show me.

In the car on the way down I listened to some beautiful guided meditations (safe ones for the car – I think?).  It was such a beautiful way to begin the trip and I think really helped get me out of the mindset that I had let engulf me earlier in the weekend.   One thing this separation is teaching me is the lack of control I have on anyone else.  More specifically, the lack of control around what is said about me or what assumptions people may choose to make.  There are three things we have control of;

  • Our thoughts
  • Our mind
  • Our physical actions

Just in the past week, remembering this has been very useful!   I can’t control anyone elses’ voice.   Yes, as humans we can influence others if needed, but certainly not control.  People will do and say as they please, and all I can do is control how I respond.  I’m still learning, but my confidence in who I know I am, is what reminds me to keep on going and not let it eat away at me.  It has also made me 100 times more open and gracious to the other person in a story when people tell me things.  They aren’t there to explain their perspective and to be honest, so much truth gets lost.

A beautiful reminder I’ve seen pop up A LOT lately:

I stopped explaining myself, when I realised people only understand from their level of perception.

Having this knowledge behind me is pretty powerful and has helped even in little moments of self doubt.  I was walking down Collins Street in Melbourne yesterday when a man handing out flyers said to me , ‘Hey single Mum’ blah blah blah (I was stuck on the single mum part)… I kept walking and I started thinking, Excuuuuuse me yobbo, do I look like a poverty stricken single mum?  I wondered what on earth screamed out to him single mum?!  Especially while pushing my Emmuljunga pram!  😉 I initially felt defensive and a little insecure.  I pondered for no more than a minute and then reminded myself to let it go. His perception of a single mum was potentially not laden with some of the insecurities from actually living it!  I can’t control what anyone else says but I can control how am I going to react.  I chose to get on with it.  I found a nice spot in Fed Square, and me in all my single mum glory, watched Z play with a single pebble on the ground!

Like I mentioned in my last post here, I’m learning the importance of gratitude and how mind blowingly ? amazing it is.  I’m learning how good it feels to actually have space to genuinely want to build people up and see friends fulfil dreams.  I’m learning to let go of things that I don’t need to hold onto, and to forgive people that have hurt me.

There is so much change in this world. Our head space, perspectives, the weather, fashions, finances, friends, good days, bad days, gosh even on a cellular level, we are changing all the time.  Cells are constantly dividing, regenerating and dying, so on one level you are not the same person you were this morning, nor will you ever be the same person you are in this moment.  For me this knowledge has given me even more faith in one of my ol’ favourites;

Every moment is an opportunity to begin again.

Not just a Monday, or a new day.  You don’t need to wait that long!  Each moment you have the opportunity to come back, reset and continue moving through life in a direction that is basically true to your desires.  Find what works best for you, and figure out what things help bring you back.  Carry with you the knowledge that you can change your mindset at any moment. Set a time each afternoon to make sure your doing ok that day?  A three minute meditate?  You know that how you shape your days, eventuates into what shapes your life!

So much of what feels right for me and what I enjoy has come out in the past 12 months.  It is hard to be authentically you when you are in a situation that isn’t right.  There were feelings of sadness, disappointment, resentment and failure that would not have allowed me to be where I am today, working on the projects that bring fire to my belly.  It’s not easy. but its easIER.

In all my reading prior to separating, I read about women who thrived post divorce.  Like I mean thrived.  They were happier than they’d ever been, more successful and confident in their own skin.  This is what I’d hoped for.  For some, it possibly wasn’t the right decision and there were underlying factors external to the marriage that need to be addressed.   These women were very fragile.  The relief that I made the right decision for myself and Zoe is something I can’t quite put into words (but you know me I’ll have a good crack).

I’m certainly not there yet, I don’t even know where there is, but I know I’m at least facing in the right direction.   So heres to another 12 months! Thank you for all the wonderful support and messages since starting this blog last year.  It’s humbling to know that even when you all have your own things going on, you’ve found the space to reach out!

Jen xo