The Sunshine is Back….. Divorce: Four Months On

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It’s nice to be sitting here feeling slightly better than I have felt the last week or so.  Life being life, it throws you curveballs, aaaaannnnd a curveball is what I got.

Unless you are a Zen master or the Dalai Lama, it’s to be expected that there are going to be times of intensity and disagreement in a divorce.  It would be odd to be able to get along in the months after a divorce when you couldn’t even see eye to eye in the marriage!  I’ll be the first to admit that when it’s that time, it’s a lot harder to let things slide and not delve into the whys? the hows? and the who’s?

I felt pretty rubbish and was having a pretty good crack at throwing myself the best pity party ever – sugar, self pity and blame being the 3 main guests, with a few other tag alongs… Rockin’ party!

NOT.

I did get to a point one morning (thanks goodness) where I thought to myself this is getting ridiculous.  This marriage didn’t end so you could just continue feeling dissatisfied in life.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT was the MUCH nicer version of what I told myself at 6 am that morning.

After a fairly direct email to my ex husband setting clear boundaries for our future, I slowly started feeling better again.  Sounds so basic right?!  But when you are led to start doubting what you are even saying is true, it’s hard to be clear sometimes.

It was really hard when after nearly 4 months, instead of being able to put my energy into living the beautiful life that was now in front of me. Instead, I found my self defending my decision and constantly questioning wether or not the two of us could make this work for the sake of Zoe.  At the end of the day we both knew the answer but I guess everyone processes things differently.

I think minimal contact is going to beneficial for us for the next how ever long.  This is all part of the process and we need to go through it all to figure out the best way to handle it.

Long story short, I am feeling more confident in my ability to choose my own direction in life.  Confident that my choices might just be ok!  I can even chose what we’ll have for dinner now! After feeling that I’d failed at one pretty big life decision, this area had taken quite a blow!

It’s been awhile since i’ve reflected on what I’ve learnt through this process, and as we are ever evolving and learning I wanted to revisit and see what came up.

Soooooo in the last couple of months I’ve learnt that:

  • Being direct and clear is always a good thing.  Not just with ex husbands.
  • You don’t feel very good after telling your 16 month old to F off.  That was a tough day.
  • Feelings do pass and the sunshine is only ever just behind the clouds.
  • Sleep is vital.  I have started going to bed earlier (minor breakthrough here) and the nights I haven’t dragged myself to bed until after 10:45 I’ve felt awful the next day.
  • I actually love mornings.  Being up at 5:30 doing something for me, before the day even starts makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.  The air is crisper, the sounds are still and the light is gentle. Even if it all falls to shit at 7 am.
  • Trying to mask a sneeze and make it quieter, often gets you the complete opposite result!
  • I need to be mindful of the expectations I have of myself.  Some days my to do list is the length of my arm and I set myself up for failure when low and behold I don’t finish the list.  I need to set limits and declare when I’m satisfied with the outcome.  Even if I’m not!
  • It’s ok to have desires, it doesn’t necessarily mean I have to act on it immediately.  Or ever. Like a holiday to Fiji perhaps.
  • Always have a bottle of coconut oil and medjool dates in the pantry.  Basis for most healthy treats.
  • Healthy treats aren’t calorie free.  Say no more.
  • It’s ALWAYS a good idea to meal plan!  I’ll do a post on that another day as I love it so much.  🙂
  • Sleep is vita…. Oh
  • Dreams are exactly that. Dreams. Most nights I wake up feeling so sad because I’ve dreamt something about my ex.  I’m slowly realising that even the emotions I have in my dreams aren’t real.  I might be sad about something in my dream but it doesn’t replicate real life!
  • Last but not least I’ve learnt that I am a better mum now I’m working.  ALL my friends have said the same and I am now a preacher too!  Our time is precious, even more so with not getting to see her every 2nd weekend, so I really do feel like I try to simply play with her more, look at her when I’m talking to her and put my phone away!  I wrote a note on the laundry door last week saying “the washing will wait”.  And wait it did.

Im due to go and have a coffee with my best friend and of course Zoe has decided to sleep like a trooper. I swear she knows.

I did some baking this morning as my beautiful neighbour provides me with an endless supply of limes from his lime tree and OMG YUM!!!  I needed to use them in something other than Gin and Tonic! Why did I capitalise those two words?  I must feel that they deserve it!

I’ll share what I made because each recipe has no more than 5 ingredients and are so good!

A beautiful quote that I read this morning:

All the flowers of tomorrow are in the seeds of today.

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Happy planting…

Jen xo

 

 

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