I was sitting on the couch today at my Grandparents house, with my Grandma beside me, both watching Miss Z parading in front of us. She was walking around in circles and then backwards (her latest trick), snuggling and patting her precious (very ugly) dolly, babbling, singing, dancing and basically anything else that seemed fit at the time.
She saw some pillows resting on an arm chair and decided she wanted to pull them off the chair and onto the floor. We sat and watched her struggle as she couldn’t quite get there. They were heavy and it was all a bit awkward but she was getting so close. Just one more BIG pull was all she needed to do.
As a 15 month old, she obviously couldn’t see the progress she was making or how close she was and eventually stomped off in a huff. My Grandma and I were sitting there saying ‘you are so so close, just one more pull and they will be down, KEEP GOING’.
She had given up and that was that.
I thought to myself, wow, if only she knew how close she was and how far she’d come. She would’ve literally been only seconds away from marvelling at her own accomplishments. Instead she gave up too soon and was left feeling defeated.
Now because of the girl I am, and possibly because I am looking for anything to help spur me on through these days post separation, my brain started ticking. To think how often we may have been so close to achieving something, only to quit because we thought it was impossible or too hard.
It is all too easy to question the progress you are making when you can’t physically see it. It makes it doubly hard when you have NO idea how far you’ve got to go, like 99.9 % of the time!
You can talk yourself out of anything if you let yourself. Sometimes you can actually convince yourself that it is easier to give up.
You may have been one more step away from making that break at work;
One more step away from finally cutting yourself off from your ex in a way that meant your FREEDOM;
One more step away from the workout that makes you love exercise again;
And only one more message away from your ex actually listening to your pleas at leaving you alone. Messages that test every part of your being, when all you want is a big hug telling you that everything will be ok.
Giving up crosses my mind often and the concept of just being miserable forever almost seems inviting in a f%^*ed up way!
But seeing my little girl trying so hard today, to then just give up so easily, so close to succeeding, has lit that flame within me again. By no means is it burning enough to give off any heat, but still enough to keep me getting out of bed each morning and remaining optimistic. Optimistic about my future as a single mum, about my future with any relationships and the future as me!
Although I can’t see the progress and sometimes I actually feel I am going backwards, the wonderful thing is that I could be so close! Close to start feeling the rewards of walking away from a marriage that was slowly soul destroying…. The hardest thing I hope I’ll ever have to face in this lifetime.
Some may call this clutching at straws! Some may even call it simply being hopeful and yes, I’m with you on both there. I’m liking the word optimism because it leaves everything open!
Instead of looking forward into 2016 and making resolutions and putting any big plans in place, I’d like to just add two more words to my ‘word’ of the year (currently freedom thanks to our home made Christmas bon bons)…..
And add optimism and perseverance! I’m sure there are no rules for having 3 words for the year?!
I will try my very best at remaining optimistic that I will gain a sense of freedom and space in my mind for new wonderful things, through sheer perseverance!