I’m writing this post at 10 am on a Friday morning. I haven’t had a friday off in quite some time so it feels strange. Im as sick as a dog, but I’m having that window of grace when the panadol is working its magic – so opening my eyes is possible! It’s not until you are bed ridden with the Flu that makes you stop and appreciate good health. Like being able to stand up without your head feeling like it will explode!
It has been a long time between posts! Ive missed this space. I tend to push things aside when I’m not too confident in the direction i want it to go, or maybe something as drastic as who I am?! I think blogs are funny like that – oh so resilient and always there waiting for when you next return!
The last 6 months have been full. Working part time, raising an extremely strong willed little girl, dealing with the ups and downs of co parenting…. And everything else in between.
I think I’ve been in la la land to be honest. Pushing the hard feelings and decisions aside that I’m not quite ready to deal with. The first 6 months were filled with lots of growth. Early morning writing sessions, yoga, exercise, online courses, early nights, healthy dinners etc etc – then I think there was a shift. I had been living in my little bubble and felt a bit more confident to step out into the big wide world again! When you start feeling stronger it’s easy to turn your back on things that bring so much positivity to your life. It isn’t long before you realise that those things were in your life for a reason!
I was watching The Batchelor the other night and was listening to Alex (also a single mum for those who haven’t been drawn into such high quality TV). She was speaking to Batchie about all the other things she is, aside from being a mum. It was nice to hear. One of the tough things I’m finding recently is the struggle around when I have my daughter to when I don’t. Such two different lives. I work the four days I don’t have her so there isn’t too much time for shenanigans. However their have been some seedy Sunday mornings dragging myself to work! (Or spritely skipping to work incase my boss is reading).
It’s the whole thing of switching back into mum mode come Sunday night, when my little girl is due to come back the next morning. I feel guilty for enjoying the time I’ve had away from her, the interaction with adults, the lack of the whine and the introduction of the only ‘wine’ i want in my life!
I sometimes doubt that I am cut out to be a good mum to her when she returns. I feel like it’s a double life. I go from being out at a bar on Saturday night, (lets be honest, i could count on one hand (maybe both) the amount of times this has happened)… to toddler time at the library on a Monday morning singing Incy Wincy Spider. I feel like i don’t belong in the mum “click”. That somehow i don’t ‘cut it’ because the way our family operates is different! Yes there are some judgy mums out there but I take full responsibility for these thoughts – all TOTALLY in my head. I think it comes down to the confidence thing… It’s getting better as I become more confident in my direction and feeling more proud of the choices I’m making. …. but it’s the whole two steps forward one step back thing I guess.
While I’m at it and in the f*%# it lets talk about everything mode….Dating (or lack there of)…
Dating hasn’t been something I have really delved into yet. The town that I live in, as much as at is called a city… is still very much a country town compared to places like Sydney and Brisbane. I lack optimism that there is anyone here for me – but the odd fling here and there has given me a taste of dating in this era. I was introduced to Snap chat early on which has been fun but was also reminded of the whole stupid “game” thing that comes with SOME guys. Not really into that, so just happy to keep focussing on my little fam bam and see where it takes us! I’d love to meet someone who I can share this crazy life with, but something like that takes time… I’m not getting it wrong twice!
I certainly feel that the last 6 months needed to happen in order for me to realise that I can have lots of different elements to me. As can ALL mums, not just single mums!! It’s just choosing which ones you want. Which ones are inline with your future hopes and dreams. I think I’m learning that there is a time and a place for it all. It’s what you do MOST of the time that shapes your days, your months, the years and then at the very end….. you look back on and has shaped your life.
Stay aware. Stay authentic and whatever you do NEVER stop learning!
I feel like this window of grace is closing in and the magic of the drugs is wearing off so I shall leave my ramblings here….