It is almost Christmas and I can feel myself getting more anxious as the days tick over. My first Christmas without Zoes’ dad, without the family I thought I’d have. Yet another reminder of my reality.
Since the separation there is a feeling that seems to creep into the pit of my stomach. I normally notice it building. Sometimes I push it away and instead deny its even brewing. This normally ends badly!
Too much chocolate.
Incessantly checking Facebook like the internet will be switched off at any moment.
Or maybe, god forbid bringing up the past and feeling like it would be therapeutic and healing to have a fight about it! 10 times out of 10, it is anything but healing!
It is such a strong feeling which consumes me. I keep functioning, attending to my little girl, answering my phone etc but I am the furthest away from being present and in my body. Anything but grounded. Rationality goes out the window and I’m left feeling a bit pathetic really! Sometimes I can’t even pin point what it is that I’m feeling. Sadness, loneliness, fear, defeat, shame, vulnerability or anger. Maybe all of them! What a concoction. A vodka lime soda is more the concoction i’m after.
As Christmas is getting closer I could feel the anxiety starting to creep in. I was starting to get scared that maybe I’m was going to have a complete meltdown and feel those heavy tears roll down my cheeks? Again.
Maybe I wouldn’t cry, I would just feel numb all day?
Maybe it would be fantastic and I would feel all warm and fuzzy being surrounded by my family?
The truth is, and this isn’t earth shattering stuff, but no-one knows. I do know there is no point getting sucked into the stories that my mind conjures up, Oh this is going to be so hard, it’s going to be this, it’s going to be that, poor me! Pour me a glass of wine!
I do know that dealing with heart break is savage.
The aftermath of a broken heart and broken dreams are still raw. Some days, actually lets start with parts of certain days, I feel so strong, almost to the point where I feel guilty for feeing so good. (Guilty for feeling good, gosh I’ve never written that down before, it’s almost laughable.)
Then in the same breathe, Hellooooooo separation, helloooooo teething, craft mess, sickness, early rising, poo explosions, tantrums, food refusal, tears, dinner, bath, bed times, bill paying, christmas cards, financial woes, day after day with no-one to bounce it off with, or have help with!
I know what things can help! I even wrote a post about it, but there is no amount of yoga, green smoothies or sleep that is as gentle on the soul as interacting with my sweet, intuitive and loving little girl that I helped create.
Truth is, I need her as much as she does me.
The sound of her feet, that she has only recently discovered how to use, pitter pattering on the floor boards as she totters around, instantly brings a warm feeling to my heart.
It’s in these exact moments, in the very next breathe, that I’m back, back with all the strength in the world to remind myself everything that I’ve learnt and soaked up over the past few months and everything that I strive to be in this new stage of my life.
I remember that as long as we have now, nothing else matters.
What we feel like on Christmas Day, how we felt 2 days ago, or last Christmas for that matter, is irrelevant. The consuming feeling I get is healing, the tears are healing, the fights… no, the fights are not healing Jen! My point though, It’s nothing to be fearful of.
This Christmas there is a bitter sweet sense of relief and sadness, gratitude and despair and joy and pain. It’s in these peaceful moments of relief, gratitude and joy that you can give yourself a gentle reminder that you CAN deal with anything, not always well, but you will cope, what ever form coping comes in.
To anyone out there that is feeling sad, or apprehensive this christmas, I want to give you a little box of courage. It is what I have given myself this year (great for the budget conscious). It can be opened anywhere and as often as you like. I’m visualising long deep breaths to fill my lungs with all that I know and need.
Courage, patience and acceptance of the present moment.
Sending love and peace your way this Christmas!