So here I am, another non Miss Z weekend is drawing to an end, and I’m sitting on the couch eating weetbix for dinner! Only the best for this Mumma, don’t you worry.
I couldn’t quite find the wine to match such a dinner, so iced water it is!
As some of you might know, since separating I’ve found a new love.
It’s the only relationship I’m ready for at the moment – about as costly as a relationship with an actual person, but worth every cent.
I did a 2 hour detox class on Saturday morning and boy oh boy did that open some trapped emotions!
I got home from the class and after some much needed time with my gorgeous girlfriends I got stuck into some writing.
BIG things were uncovered.
24 hours later and I’m still amazed by everything that has come out of this class. It’s been pretty confronting but I can hear the words turning point being softly spoken in the back of my mind. Not sure if im ready to admit it yet, but something special happened on the mat yesterday.
A part of me feels scared to even write about it. I still feel fragile at times and doubt myself every day. Not necessarily about the decision to end our marriage, but my ability to be strong and happy without my ex.
I feel as though I’m standing in the middle of a see-saw. One small step back and I’m back to what I still partly see as comfort. I know it is anything but comfort, but it’s the only family dynamic I’ve known in my adult life.
One small step forward, and the see-saw edges further towards freedom. A life where I have peace about my past, where the knot in my stomach continues to loosen its grip, where I am ok when my ex moves on and where there is a life full of self acceptance and love.
In previous breakups with my ex husband, we have never got past this stage. The false idea of comfort and love would get the better of us and we go back to each other, causing more damage in the process.
I’m stronger this time. I can feel it and the people around me can see it.
Something shifted in this class yesterday. May’ve been all the shoulder stands and the loud wide open mouthed exhales we had to do!
Just to stick with the see saw analogy, I actually believe I’ve stepped forward enough for the see-saw to ever so slightly tip.
A tip towards a new way of life and away from the hurt of my marriage, and man it feels good. I think some call this progress.
So here is what I’ve learnt over the past 24 hours in an extremely condensed version;
- My heart was further along on this journey than my mind. My heart knew where it wanted to be, my mind however, hadn’t got the memo. It wasn’t letting go. I was holding onto the past and all the anger as a security blanket. As my yoga teacher would say, my mind was constipated.
- To let go of the anger and the past, ultimately meant I had to face the next phase of this journey. Subconsciously I was putting this off. I didn’t know if I was ready to see if I could get through this separation. If I was ready to see if there was healing in my future.
- Someone can hurt you so much but still represent stability, reliance, companionship and security. After 5 years, this isn’t something than can be turned off easily. At least I now know that I need to look within for the security, the love and the resilience.
- You are the Captain of your soul and we actually do have a say in our future. To a point anyway. I do have the strength to make those hard decisions and to voice them to my ex, to ensure I stay true to what I really want.
- That I’m allowed to feel alone at times. I’m realising that I can be the strength that I saw in my ex husband. On my own!
- Everyone deserves to be happy. I need to start believing that I am included in this. At some point I need to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I’ve made. The life sentence can go and get stuffed. I think once I truly believe this, things will get easier!
- And finally, possibly the biggest step towards freedom…. The belief that when my ex husband does move on, and love someone else, I am still;
-Worthy of love (from myself included),
-I am enough, and;
-Capable of so much happiness.
With a huge chunk of the anger gone, and with some more understanding of healing as a process, I’m starting to build up my self trust. Trust in myself and trust in my future. No more stories that my pain in the backside mind conjures up – that this is punishment for making the same mistake 3 times over and that I need to do my time feeling hurt and sad.
I’m finally ready to start believing that this journey really might have a happy ending.